Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Have you ever looked in the mirror and pictured yourself as something you aren't? I used to be such a dreamer, I'd look in the mirror and see the first female President, a supermodel, a lawyer, the weather girl, when in reality all of that was only hopes. Hopes that slowly started fading. By 18 I found myself standing in front of the mirror in an army combat uniform looking at a soldier, soon after I stood in my maternity uniform, staring at a pregnant soldier. Now I look in the mirror and see an overweight nobody.

All my hopes of becoming someone slowly started drifting like they did when I was a kid. A new reality set in, I'm a mom. I'm a mom who stays at home all day. You'd expect the house to be tidy, dinner cooked, but I don't do that. I can't keep up with that. I feel like I lost my identity. I'm just another face in the crowd. I'm not the same ambitious person I used to be.

When I was a kid, I took on different identities, at 5 years old, I demanded people call me Sparkleheart, at 7 I became a super hero, I even had super powers. My mom caught me, standing in the kitchen wearing my get up, I had on a blue bathing suit with a pair of my best underwear over it, white nylons, shoes, a belt with my favorite blanket attached to my shoulders, I stood in the kitchen staring at bacon, convincing either myself, or my family that I was cooking it with my eyes.

I've always been able to lose myself in ambition, hopes and dreams, why can't I get at least one of those identities back? If none of those, how can I dig deep into who I used to be and bring out someone who CAN be myself, a wife and most importantly, a mom?

I just need some sort of reminder of who I used to be.